11.07.06

pessimism

Posted in Journal at 3:08 am by erald17

I’m back to school. i’m too glad i don’t have evening classes, unlike last semester, i had felt stressed out going home too late… and hopefully, this semester, i will have more time for my family, friends and myself… previously, i had trouble balancing my time between studies and extra-curricular activities. so i chose to let go of other responsibilities. i never thought i would feel much better.

i made some promises to myself: i would sleep more, smile more, laugh more, talk more… love more? sige na nga… aminado naman ako, yun talaga ang kulang saken. although it is easy to say that you are a loving person, it is much fulfilling to let your actions speak. although people will not easily appreciate your thoughfulness, even your sacrifices, this won’t be a matter of being recognized but of making love work. and this very thing makes a person truly alive.

let’s not talk about pain here. let go of the thought that loving can cause pain. yes, indeed it does. but the genuineness of love that defeats the pain is what makes love the greatest feeling of all.

many people had admired me, and some even wished they were me. but in all the goodness they see in me, there is one thing that i regret. it is my pessimism toward love. All my life, i had never fully trusted anyone. i had never completely forgiven someone who had wronged me. i had never held on to any possibility of finding someone who would love me honestly. i had never fought for the feelings that were struggling to grow inside me…

things are different now. "Love is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure, whatever comes." It was only yesterday when i heard myself saying - while i was holding back the tears that were trying to flow out of my deceitful eyes - "Things will be different tomorrow." And they are.

it all happened when i opened my heart to listen. i didn’t care whether they were lying or not; i just listened.

"no one steps on the same river twice…" things lingering around us, waiting to be noticed, once they left, they may never come again.

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