03.29.08
Posted in Clouds at 6:02 pm by erald17
I am supposed to finish an article today but the hell I am in front of the laptop entering a cloudy blog for the nth time. There are happenings in my life that I don’t understand. I do not know as well if I could possibly take control of some things knowing that somehow, in some ways, at least, I have the choice…
I do not want to be like other people I know who have been trapped in the wrong decisions they have made. Yeah after realizing how complicated their lives are now, I could actually say that the decisions made are wrong.
My very heart is battling between feeling any life or cursing itself for failing to take calculated risks…
…battling on which to blame: love or myself.
or perhaps pain…
I suddenly remembered the book entitled “Gift of Pain”, something told by my long lost “prince” who ironically caused one of the greatest pains in my life so far.
True that love can sometimes make you feel so stupid, that you practically left nothing for yourself. Yourself departed from you, your loved one departed from you, and love, itself, departed from you. After five and a half months, I cannot totally say that I have recovered the things that I have lost after the devastating heartache. I either want to blame myself for being so stupid or love for making me so, resulting to a messy life (if there has been any life) since then. Since I learned to love (if it truly was love in the first place).
Up until this time, I do not know if I am taking things right. Does God want me to pause for a while and temporarily close my doors for any love because it is not yet my time? Or it is His way of revealing to me the mystery that love has, wanting me to have faith during the most down moments…
I fear that yes now I am not alone, but later on I will be left on my own again, after another story has ended. I thought that love is too sacred to be taken as folly, but it seems that everybody plays with it… enjoys it… and throws it all away after the feeling has gone, without any honest intention to preserve it and pay respect to the value that it holds.
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03.24.08
Posted in Reflection at 6:35 am by erald17
Kung
sa padamihan din lang ng medals, hindi ako pahuhuli. Pero ang mga
medals na yan ay nakakahon. Hindi lang dahil wala pa akong permanenteng
paglalagyan ng lahat nang yan, kundi dahil ayoko din na nakikita ko ang
mga iyan sa tuwi-tuwina.
Sino ang makakalimot sa binitiwang
salita ni Sir L. Alday, "Kung pagkaminsan, hindi na mahalaga ang lahat
ng karangalan mo sa buhay. Walang hihigit na kakontentuhan ang
mararamdaman mo kapag natagpuan mo na ang isang tao na tanggap ka at
mahal ka. Wala kang dapat na patunayan."
Sa buhay na ito ng
walang katapusang pakikibaka, tulad ng maraming tao ay ganoon din naman
ang dala-dalangin ko. Hindi matutumbasan ng kahit ilang medalya ang
buong pusong pagtanggap sa ‘yo kung ano ka pa man, kung ano pa mang
pagkakamali ang nagawa mo, o pagkukulang na mayroon ka.
Marahil
ay doon din masusukat ang tunay na pagmamahal. Iyong handa kang yakapin
ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa isang tao, na hindi tinitingnan ang mga
karangalang natamo niya. Sapagkat, ang tao ay laging higit sa
pagkakasukat sa kanya ng kanyang kapwa. Laging mayroon sa kanyang
kalooban na higit sa nakikita ng iba. Laging may taglay na kakaibang
kagandahan na tanging ang totoong nagmamahal lamang sa kanya ang
nakakakita.
Balang araw, magaganap din sa akin ang pangyayaring
ito: Kasama ko ang taong mahal na mahal ko at sasabihin ko sa kanya,
"Mahal kita. Wala kang dapat patunayan."
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03.23.08
Posted in Womanhood at 3:53 am by erald17
Time will reveal…
I walk over waters,
keeping my fingers crossed.
Will I drown here in the middle of the ocean,
or will I be able to cross the other end?
Sometimes my feet tremble,
sometimes my body shakes.
It’s nice to close my eyes for some time,
And feel freest that I can be,
freest that I want to be.
Am I sure of what I feel,
or just carried away by dreams,
fantasies and whims?
I do not want to think too much,
’cause I do not want to prolong the agony.
I do not want to say yes now,
’cause I am afraid that eventually it might end.
I want to forget everything, yet I want to keep everything, too.
I want to be extra careful, ’cause I do not want to get hurt again.
But time, time will reveal,
if he’s meant for me
and I for him.
Yet I wonder if people do make wrong decisions,
I wonder, even though how hard they try.
Or if sometimes efforts do not suffice,
versus forgetting idealistic standards.
But what makes me happy now
is the hope,
that at the end of the day,
my heart will end up with its pair.
I am happy, he is happy,
anyhow would the world revolve.
We have each other and would never part,
’cause we share the greatest magic in the world called love.
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Posted in Published at 12:12 am by erald17
[originally published in Scribes, March 2006.)
GO FOR NOTHING?
You cannot have everything all at the same time.
Not knowing how to start - this may be the plea of a broken heart.
I have never given love that has not been requited nor have I lost someone. But now I know what being broken hearted means.
You are a diligent student who has lived all your life sacrificing to graduate with flying colors. You were a valedictorian both in elementary and in high school - fact brought about not just by the neurons in your brain but by frequent increases in the normal blood pressure, setting aside your hobbies and pleasure to "make your mama proud." You are now a college freshman struggling with the same effort to achieve the same aim. Who would not be distressed to hear from someone these words, "You no longer have any chance to be Summa Cum Laude, Magna Cum Laude nor Cum Laude." Isn’t this silent desire of any honor student especially valedictorians?
Is this priced P24,000.00? Losing such grand title? Is this the worth of the scholarship I aimed for?
The dialogue at the LAMP Office, 2nd Floor, MTDC Building had been stored vividly in my memory. This happened during my college application. I was with my mother when I was about to fill out the form:
1st choice: __________________________
2nd choice:__________________________
Confused, I turned to my mother and asked, "What will I write here?" My mother responded, "Write the program that you want." When I heard her words, I knew that it was one of the most magical moments of my life. Whenever I have my choice, it will be the only choice. No more, no less. I do not consider any alternative that much when I know what I really want.
1st choice: BS Legal Management
2nd choice: BS Accountancy
After completing the requirements, I was so excited to hand in the form to the LAMP officer. Smiling, I submitted the paper and said, "Miss, here is my accomplished form." She cast her eyesight on the fill-ins and turned back to say, "Miss, we do not offer any scholarship for BS Legal Management."
My world seemed to shatter into pieces, but I tried to compose myself as I uttered, "Oh! Okay. Then do change it into BS Accountancy." As the woman was deleting my choice with a liquid eraser, she was also deleting a part of the dream that is embedded in my heart.
I thought it was that simple. Besides, my father wanted BSA for me. I qualified for 100% discount on all fees, renewable within a year. I started the school year soaring free without any worry about tuition payments. I really thought it was that simple.
But in the midst of confusion and dissatisfaction of recording business transactions, I felt that all the while I was living in a world of darkness trying to meet the expectations of other people from me. Is this what I really want? I envied my cousin who takes up journalism despite all its risks. I envied another who could have been a CPA but took BS Math because it is her forte. I envied Ms. Rosales who could have been in a higher business position, but refused the offer because it is teaching that she really loves. Why can’t I have the same freedom as these people have? Is this what I learned from medals and feats - to let other people take control of my decisions and allow myself to be slaves of what they want of me? Legarda did not take up BSA to be a woman of honor and credibility. Even Defensor-Santiago became an eligible lawyer without having to debit and credit accounts.
BSA program has zero-based system, an additional nightmare to those students who did not have any background in accounting and who "do not want to be here." Two-point-five is a rate that I could and could not take. This is fair, considering that it is zero-based. And setting modesty aside, I earned it through my own efforts. But to be out of the Honor’s List right away and right from the start, I felt that all my upcoming efforts would be useless when I could have earned at least Cum Laude. It’s all gone now, and I’m only freshman. Can I still work for any of those titles in the next three years even though I constantly burn the midnight oil? Not anymore. It is stated in the college handbook that when a student got a grade of 2.5 or below in any subject, though has maintained 1.75 or above average, he or she is no longer qualified for "With Honors" and will be receiving an "Academic Distinction" award.
However, this is the broken heartedness that took me shortest to get over with. One night. Just one night I was crying, after all what my parents had to say, after I had imagined all the worst thing that other people could have said. Then after a few moments, I heard my heart laughing out loud, "I have never felt this free in my life!"
For the first time, I have let go of all these pressures. Who says Summa Cum Laude is the best? No. That will never stop me from being the best and happiest person that I can be.
I am now in the second semester of my first year in college. I shifted from BS Accountancy to BS Legal Management, as I let go of the full scholarship my institution granted. Whenever I have the choice, that will be the only choice. Money cannot but what my heart desires. It is priceless.
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03.22.08
Posted in Reflection at 9:53 pm by erald17
As what we used to sing, Friendster is made for ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! (to the tune of 12 days of Christmas).
But that was before.
For one, I used to enjoy placing my very own face as the primary photo for everyone to recognize me. But lately I felt that it is also nice for the rest of the world to see that I am with somebody in my "primary" photo.
Besides, that was one of those unforgettable nights I truly cherish and appreciate. Also as what Tics said, a night when I indeed look so happy. =)
Okay fine, because of Baguio City and PMA! *wink*
Another day I am looking forward to is to have the picture of us, both of us wearing the ______ (Tics knows it already. =) )
In time. Soon.
For now, do take my care and prayers with you…
-your KG-
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