03.23.08

My Greatest Article

Posted in Published at 12:12 am by erald17

[originally published in Scribes, March 2006.)

GO FOR NOTHING?

You cannot have everything all at the same time.

Not knowing how to start - this may be the plea of a broken heart.

I have never given love that has not been requited nor have I lost someone. But now I know what being broken hearted means.

You are a diligent student who has lived all your life sacrificing to graduate with flying colors. You were a valedictorian both in elementary and in high school - fact brought about not just by the neurons in your brain but by frequent increases in the normal blood pressure, setting aside your hobbies and pleasure to "make your mama proud." You are now a college freshman struggling with the same effort to achieve the same aim. Who would not be distressed to hear from someone these words, "You no longer have any chance to be Summa Cum Laude, Magna Cum Laude nor Cum Laude." Isn’t this silent desire of any honor student especially valedictorians?

Is this priced P24,000.00? Losing such grand title? Is this the worth of the scholarship I aimed for?

The dialogue at the LAMP Office, 2nd Floor, MTDC Building had been stored vividly in my memory. This happened during my college application. I was with my mother when I was about to fill out the form:

    1st choice: __________________________
    2nd choice:__________________________

Confused, I turned to my mother and asked, "What will I write here?" My mother responded, "Write the program that you want." When I heard her words, I knew that it was one of the most magical moments of my life. Whenever I have my choice, it will be the only choice. No more, no less. I do not consider any alternative that much when I know what I really want.

    1st choice: BS Legal Management                       
    2nd choice: BS Accountancy                         

After completing the requirements, I was so excited to hand in the form to the LAMP officer. Smiling, I submitted the paper and said, "Miss, here is my accomplished form." She cast her eyesight on the fill-ins and turned back to say, "Miss, we do not offer any scholarship for BS Legal Management."

My world seemed to shatter into pieces, but I tried to compose myself as I uttered, "Oh! Okay. Then do change it into BS Accountancy." As the woman was deleting my choice with a liquid eraser, she was also deleting a part of the dream that is embedded in my heart.

I thought it was that simple. Besides, my father wanted BSA for me. I qualified for 100% discount on all fees, renewable within a year. I started the school year soaring free without any worry about tuition payments. I really thought it was that simple.

But in the midst of confusion and dissatisfaction of recording business transactions, I felt that all the while I was living in a world of darkness trying to meet the expectations of other people from me. Is this what I really want? I envied my cousin who takes up journalism despite all its risks. I envied another who could have been a CPA but took BS Math because it is her forte. I envied Ms. Rosales who could have been in a higher business position, but refused the offer because it is teaching that she really loves. Why can’t I have the same freedom as these people have? Is this what I learned from medals and feats - to let other people take control of my decisions and allow myself to be slaves of what they want of me? Legarda did not take up BSA to be a woman of honor and credibility. Even Defensor-Santiago became an eligible lawyer without having to debit and credit accounts.

BSA program has zero-based system, an additional nightmare to those students who did not have any background in accounting and who "do not want to be here." Two-point-five is a rate that I could and could not take. This is fair, considering that it is zero-based. And setting modesty aside, I earned it through my own efforts. But to be out of the Honor’s List right away and right from the start, I felt that all my upcoming efforts would be useless when I could have earned at least Cum Laude. It’s all gone now, and I’m only freshman. Can I still work for any of those titles in the next three years even though I constantly burn the midnight oil? Not anymore. It is stated in the college handbook that when a student got a grade of 2.5 or below in any subject, though has maintained 1.75 or above average, he or she is no longer qualified for "With Honors" and will be receiving an "Academic Distinction" award.

However, this is the broken heartedness that took me shortest to get over with. One night. Just one night I was crying, after all what my parents had to say, after I had imagined all the worst thing that other people could have said. Then after a few moments, I heard my heart laughing out loud, "I have never felt this free in my life!"

For the first time, I have let go of all these pressures. Who says Summa Cum Laude is the best? No. That will never stop me from being the best and happiest person that I can be.

I am now in the second semester of my first year in college. I shifted from BS Accountancy to BS Legal Management, as I let go of the full scholarship my institution granted. Whenever I have the choice, that will be the only choice. Money cannot but what my heart desires. It is priceless.

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