03.29.08
Untitled…
I am supposed to finish an article today but the hell I am in front of the laptop entering a cloudy blog for the nth time. There are happenings in my life that I don’t understand. I do not know as well if I could possibly take control of some things knowing that somehow, in some ways, at least, I have the choice…
I do not want to be like other people I know who have been trapped in the wrong decisions they have made. Yeah after realizing how complicated their lives are now, I could actually say that the decisions made are wrong.
My very heart is battling between feeling any life or cursing itself for failing to take calculated risks…
…battling on which to blame: love or myself.
or perhaps pain…
I suddenly remembered the book entitled “Gift of Pain”, something told by my long lost “prince” who ironically caused one of the greatest pains in my life so far.
True that love can sometimes make you feel so stupid, that you practically left nothing for yourself. Yourself departed from you, your loved one departed from you, and love, itself, departed from you. After five and a half months, I cannot totally say that I have recovered the things that I have lost after the devastating heartache. I either want to blame myself for being so stupid or love for making me so, resulting to a messy life (if there has been any life) since then. Since I learned to love (if it truly was love in the first place).
Up until this time, I do not know if I am taking things right. Does God want me to pause for a while and temporarily close my doors for any love because it is not yet my time? Or it is His way of revealing to me the mystery that love has, wanting me to have faith during the most down moments…
I fear that yes now I am not alone, but later on I will be left on my own again, after another story has ended. I thought that love is too sacred to be taken as folly, but it seems that everybody plays with it… enjoys it… and throws it all away after the feeling has gone, without any honest intention to preserve it and pay respect to the value that it holds.
