05.07.08

What’s on my mind right now?

Posted in Womanhood at 5:02 am by erald17

[originally written on paper, dated March 13, 2008.]

A lot of things… Worries, fears, thoughts… The Ring Hop, the PMA graduation, the exams, Gawad, future relationship(s), married life, future life…

This is the moment when I begin to ask myself again what I (really) want. Just when I thought I already knew. Am I prepared? Am I just scared? Am I expecting too much? Am I giving a little? God gives all the signs that I need, but I, myself, am not yet ready. ;c

I deeply remember the first time I surrendered, when I thought I was ready… But everything failed, everything crashed… Inasmuch as I wanted everything to last, every good thing to last. But reality is, we cannot have and do not have full control over all things that happen to us.

You know what, I know very well the difficulty of trusting again. Everything could have been so right, right now. But I cannot, and no one can, blame myself for having this enormous amount of fear. After all that had happened.

"I thought it is hardest to fall in love for the first time… But right now it is even harder to love again because my heart has been broken."

I want to cry so hard, because I fear. I want to curse pain for giving me this feeling. I just can’t accept that fear is devouring me that I cannot look straight into the eyes of love anymore.

"Sometimes, when loneliness seems to crush all beauty, the only way to resist is to remain open." (Paulo Coelho)

Yes, I stay, remain open to new possibilities. "Possibilities," because this is the only defense that I have.

It did hurt me to realize that the person I trusted threw my love away. But I have to stay strong and learn to love myself more… for genuine love’s sake.

Right now, I do not know what is true, what is real, what is false, what is wrong…

Right now, I do not know what I am looking for.

What I just need right now is to tell myself that I have to be strong…

"Please be strong, my Kaydet Girl…"

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