01.04.09
Dig the Hole
It has been a long while since I last wrote an entry. Here I am now at the dormitory crushing myself into emptiness - feeling guilty and sorry for all the mistakes and shortcomings that I have done - in the past and in the present. Truly there are many people who shall feel sorry for me. Because I have changed into somebody else I never was. Somebody else I never believed would be me - a total stranger to even the tiniest figment and fiber of my partial and whole being. There is a strong willingness in me to fix my life piece by piece, little by little. Because I have gone so far and so worst in destructing and ruining my whole damn beautiful life. There are so many broken and imperfect relationships that I have had, yesterday and today. There are relationships that I could have kept flourishing, and unwavering, and shining, shimmering splendid. The person that I have become and what have been known to many is far, far below the rightful person that I should and must be. And here I am now at the breaking point - at the dilemma - at the crossroad - of seeing a promising sunrise or surrendering to the enveloping darkness of sunset.
Yes there are a thousand reasons to cry a bucket of tears. And those tears can never ever wash away all the sorrows that are bountifully growing in my heart. For one out of a thousand reasons, those sorrows are the only creatures alive inside myself.
I pity myself. In an enormous amount that anybody cannot possibly imagine. Pity. Pity. Pity for myself. Because for some irrevocable, incomprehensible and inexplicable factors, or reason, I am living a life that I do not deserve. (crying…)
